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IT CAN BE DONE” 












IT CAN BE DONE 

A Play in Two Acts, Intro¬ 
ducing Specialties and a 

STYLE SHOW 


BY 

JOSEPH A. FELDHAKE, 
AUTHOR OF 

“BOBBY-WHAT’S-HIS-NAME” 


PRICE 50c. 


JOSEPH A. FELDHAKE, AUTHOR AND PUBLISHER, 
EFFINGHAM, ILLINOIS 


3 





Important Warning 


HE ACTING RIGHTS of this play, under whatever 
title performed, are fully protected by author’s and 
publisher’s rights and copyright, and all infringe¬ 
ments will be prosecuted. 

For AMATEUR presentation, whether admission is 
charged or not, a royalty fee of fifteen ($15.00) dollars for 
the first performance, and ten ($10.00) dollars for each 
additional performance by the same company, must be 
paid in advance to the publisher, Joseph A. Feldhake, 328 
N. Third St., Effingham, Ill. Upon payment of the royalty 
fee, seven copies of the play are furnished free of cost. 

For PROFESSIONAL terms, apply to the publisher. 
* * * 

Attention is called to the penalties provided by the 
Copyright Law of the United States of America in force 
July 1, 1909, for infringement of the owner’s right, as fol¬ 
lows : 

SEC. 28. That any person who willfully and for profit shall in¬ 
fringe any copyright secured by this Act, or who shall knowingly 
and willfully aid or abet such infringement, shall be deemed guilty 
of a misdemeanor, and upon conviction thereof shall be punished by 
imprisonment for not exceeding one year or by a fine of not less than 
one hundred dollars nor more than one thousand dollars, or both, in 
the discretion of the court. 

* * . # 

COPYRIGHT, 1928, BY JOSEPH A. FELDHAKE 
ALL RIGHTS RESERVED 

©CI.D «.‘i0( 3 



I 


4 


MAR 12 ’23 

— \ 





CHARACTERS : 


Experience. 

Everyone. 

Ambition. 

Popularity. 

Procrastination . 

Pleasure . 

Success . 

The Entertainers 
The Style Girls . 


. He Knows 

. He Learns 

.. . . He Tells You 

. He’s It 

He Should Worry 
.... She Has Fun 
. She’s Desirable 
They Please You 
. They Show You 


STAGE DIRECTIONS 

Up stage means away from footlights; down stage , 
near footlights. In the use of right and left, the actor is 
supposed to be facing the audience. 


5 



























“IT CAN BE DONE” 


ACT ONE 

SCENE—Full stage, an interior. Style of furniture 
is immaterial, but the stage should be made attractive with 
decorations, flowers, plants^ etc. 

Downstage, right, there is a typeivriter desk or small 
table, on which there is a typewriter (one of the “noiseless” 
or “silent” kinds), some books, and a stack of writing 
paper of at least one thousand sheets. The paper is at 
left of typewriter, when facing audience. There is a chair 
at back of desk, and one at left of desk. Downstage, left, 
there is a player piano. There are more chairs and other 
furniture at back of stage and along the sides, including 
a settee which will seat two people only. All stage lights 
and house lights on. 

At rise of curtain enter Experience, who is tall, and 
quiet and dignified in action. If necessary, this character 
can be represented by an older person, one of the teachers, 
for instance. He takes his position downstage, center, and 
waits until audience is quiet. 

Experience —Ladies and gentlemen, I wish to make 
a short announcement before proceeding with our enter¬ 
tainment. (Pause) As you have observed from the printed 
program, the characters of the play are allegoric. Am¬ 
bition, Experience, Popularity, Procrastination, Success, 
and Pleasure will be represented by the various players. 
In everyday life our character is more or less molded by 
these and other abstract qualities or virtues, and likewise, 
tonight these personified qualities will endeavor to exert 
their influence on the lives of all of us here. You are all, 
therefore, a part of this play, although your names do not 
appear on the program. However, I will not ask all of 
you to come up here on the stage, but will appoint some- 


7 



one to personate the audience. He will be known as Every¬ 
one. All I ask is that he will come up on the stage, now, 
and we will presume that without previous instruction 
as to what is expected of him, he will allow the char¬ 
acters of the play to sway or direct his course of ac¬ 
tion. Experience will remain with him, to whom he 
can turn for advice or counsel. Is there anyone 
here who will volunteer to come up on this stage and 
represent the audience in the play? (Pause) If there is 
$ man or woman present who has cherished a secret am¬ 
bition to appear before the footlights, here is the oppor¬ 
tunity. (Pause) If no one volunteers I shall have to ap¬ 
point some person from the audience. ( Locating the young 
man who plays Everyone) Mr. Smith, I will ask you to 
represent the audience in this play. Will you kindly come 
up here on the stage? 

(Everyone is a bright young man, of good appearance. 
He need not be an orator, but must have a good voice and 
memory. He occupies an aisle seat, about the center of 
the house.) 

Everyone —I'd rather be excused, please. 

Experience —Come on, John (or whatever his name 
is). This will not be difficult for you. 

Everyone—W hat am I supposed to do? 

Experience —Whatever you please. The characters 
in the play take the initiative. You merely follow their 
lead as the mood moves you. 

Everyone —Get someone else, please. I am not in a 
receptive mood this evening, and might ruin the play. 

Experience —Don't worry. We will take the respon¬ 
sibility. Come on. 

Everyone —Well, all right. (Walks down aisle.) 

Experience —Thank you. Come up the steps, please. 
(Steps are placed in front of stage, center. Everyone takes 
his place at the side of Experience, smiling in an em¬ 
barrassed manner. House lights off.) 

Everyone —Now what? 

Experience — (Turning Everyone about so he faces 


8 


audience) You are now a representative of this audience, 
and will be known by the name of Everyone. 

Everyone—A ll right, what next? 

Experience—D on’t become impatient. Ambition will 
be here in a moment to talk to you. 

Everyone —Someone will have to do the talking, be¬ 
cause I am not going to do much of it. 

Experience—T hat will be satisfactory. 

Everyone—I s this an office, or a parlor, or what? 

Experience—T his stage represents any place—our 
town, or any other village or city in the United States. 
(Walks to desk) This stack of paper on the desk repre¬ 
sents Opportunity, of which there are many anywhere you 
go in this glorious country of ours. Do you understand? 

Everyone—I guess so. This stage is wherever I hap¬ 
pen to live, and this stack of paper is an opportunity which 
a person is supposed to grasp if he wishes to get ahead 
in the world and own a Tin Lizzie some day. 

Experience— (Smiles) Exactly. 

Everyone—A nd the typewriter? 

Experience—I s work, by means of which one makes 
the most of opportunity. 

Everyone —(Nods head wisely) Aha, I see. Now I 
know what you got me up here for. Here is opportunity 
presenting itself. I grasp the opportunity, and by hard 
work—on that typewriter—win success. 

Experience—Y ou have the idea. 

Everyone—I s that what you want me to do, run that 
typewriter ? 

Experience—N ot unless you wish to run the type¬ 
writer. Anything you do here is done voluntarily. 

Everyone—W ell— (Hesitates) Any objection if I sit 
down? 

Experience—C ertainly not. Make yourself com¬ 
fortable. 

Everyone —(Sits in chair left of desk) You said be¬ 
fore that Experience will be here to advise me. 

Experience—I am Experience. 


9 


Everyone —You are? Fine. I am glad to hear that. 
You’ll stick by me, will you? 

Experience—I will always be within call. (Looks 
left) Here comes Ambition. Pay close attention to what 
he says. (Offers hand) Good luck to you. 

Everyone — (Rises hurriedly) Say, wait. Where are 
you going? 

Experience —Not far. However, I have nothing more 
to do with the story unless you call for me. The other 
characters will now take the stage. So (again offers hand) 
good luck to you. 

Everyone— (Shakes half-heartedly) Well, I guess I’m 
in for it. So long. (Sits in chair.) 

(Experience takes his position a few feet hack and to 
one side of Everyone, standing quietly with arms folded•) 

(Enter Ambition briskly from left. He should be ro¬ 
bust, full of pep, convincing, and somewhat of an orator.) 

Ambition — (Pauses as he observes Everyone) How 
do you do? (Advances with outstretched hand) I am 
Ambition. 

Everyone — (Rises and shakes hands) Glad to know 
you. I am Everyone. (Sits down.) 

Ambition —I have frequently heard of you. If I may 
ask, what are you doing here? 

Everyone —Me? Oh, just sitting here. 

Ambition — (Meaningly) A hen can sit still and earn 
a living, but a man can’t. 

Everyone —Who wants to be a hen? 

Ambition—A hen is at least doing something besides 
just sitting. 

Everyone —Must a person always be in action? 

Ambition —Bicycles and men fall the moment they 
cease moving. 

Everyone —There is no harm in lying back and re¬ 
laxing occasionally, is there? 

Ambition—T he first external indication of dryrot in 
a man is a tendency to shirk and lounge. Laziness grows 
on people. It begins like a cobweb and ends in iron 


10 


chains. A lazy man is of no more use than a dead one—• 
and takes up more room. 

Everyone—( Defensively ) One reason I am not doing 
anything just at this moment is that there is no necessity 
for it. 

Ambition—D on’t wait for necessity to crank you—be 
a self-starter. 

Everyone—I’ ll get along all right. I am satisfed. 
I am content. 

Ambition—T he people who are always content are 
merely those who don’t know any better. 

Everyone—J ust why should I hustle around and do 
something? What would be the object? 

Ambition—T o enable you to win Success. 

Everyone—O h, I can win Success any time. There’s 
no hurry. Some of these days I’ll start something. 

Ambition—M any a fails to get anywhere because he 
never quite gets ready to start. 

Everyone— ( Turns to Experience) What do you say, 
Experience ? 

Experience—T here is no time like the present. 

Ambition— ( Forcibly ) No, there is no time but the 
present. 

Everyone— ( Speculatively fingering writing paper' on 
desk) Something will turn up some day, I guess. 

Ambition—A foolish thought, that by and by some¬ 
thing will turn up by which you will suddenly achieve fame 
and fortune. Trusting to luck. A pound of pluck is worth 
a ton of luck. Young men talk of trusting to the spur 
of the occasion. That trust is vain. Occasion c'annot 
make spurs. If you expect to wear spurs you must win 
them. If you wish to use them you must buckle them to 
your own heels before you go into the fight. Success is 
not worth the having unless you fight for her. 

Everyone—I s Success so wonderful that she is worth 
fighting for? 

Ambition—W orth fighting for? You evidently have 
never met Success. 


ll 


Everyone—N o, can’t say that I have? 

Ambition—S uccess is the prettiest, and in every way, 
by far, the most desirable young lady I know. She is 
sweet, she is winning, she is charming. She has many 
admirers. But to win her, one must not only work, but 
work hard. It does not benefit a man that he has wealth, 
or that he has a pull, or good family connections. In 
this country, the boy of poor and unknown parentage, has 
an equal chance with the more favored sons. There is 
no taking a taxi to win Success—you have to walk, and in 
many instances the going is uphill and rocky. But, take 
my word for it, Success is worthy of any sacrifice or ef¬ 
fort you might make. 

Everyone —( Stands up.) I am getting interested. 

(To Experience.) Experience, what do you say? 

Experience—I will show you. ( Takes a photograph 
of a pretty young lady from his pocket and hands it to 
Everyone.) 

Everyone— ( Admiringly) What a beautiful girl. She 
is sure pretty. Where did you get this? Where does she 
live? Who is she? 

Experience— (Smiling wisely) The original of that 
photograph is—Success. 

Everyone— (Astonished) Success? Is Success this 
charming little girl? You’re not in earnest. 

Experience—I am in earnest, and I am in a position 
to know. That is Success. 

Everyone—W hy, I had no idea—I always thought— 
no wonder some people strive so hard to win Success. I 
don’t blame them. 

Ambition—N ow, is Success worth fighting for? 

Everyone— (Still admiring photograph) I’ll say she 
is. (To Experience) . Can I keep this photo? 

Experience—C ertainly. 

Everyone— (Placing photograph in inside coat 
pocket) Now, how will I go about it to make the acquain¬ 
tance of that charming Miss? 

Ambition—Y ou will meet Success, and you can win 


12 


her if you will choose a certain line of endeavor and then 
work everlastingly at it. 

Everyone—W ork ? 

Ambition—Y es, work. She can be won by hard work. 

Everyone— (Hurriedly taking a look at the photo¬ 
graph) Work? (As if that was nothing) If that’s all 
that is required, lead me to it quick. (Goes to desk) Why, 
here is my opportunity now (hand on typewriter) and the 
means to make the most of it. Experience, have I the 
means here to win that young lady? 

Experience— (Smiles) You have. 

Everyone— (Quickly takes cover off machine and 
seats himself in chair back of desk) I never felt so much 
like working in all my life. (Adjusts typewriter.) 

Ambition—I n the right work, one should find true 
happiness. Work is a blessing—not a sentence imposed by 
fate. 

Everyone—I believe everything you say. If I was a 
Thomas Edison Fd work twenty hours a day at this job. 

Ambition—E dison is getting old, and claims he no 
longer works hard—putting in only an average of fifteen 
hours a day. The average man, too, works at something, 
reading, writing, studying, walking or thinking, for at 
least fifteen hours a day, but he scatters his energy in the 
various tasks. Mr. Edison concentrates on one task, which 
accounts for his successful career. The average man is like 
a shotgun. He scatters too much. 

Everyone—N o shotgun for me any more. ( Placing 
sheet of paper in machine.) But what if I should fail to do 
this work properly, or fail to finish it? 

Ambition—T he only man who has failed is the man 
who believes it. One thing is sure—the man who makes up 
his mind to do or die—generally does. 

Everyone—I’ ll not fail. Nothing can stop me. I can 
put this across, and I will. 

Ambition—W hy of course you can. All you need is 
self-confidence and enthusiasm. No fame—no name has 
ever been gained except through belief, backed by that 


13 


wholehearted, earnest effort which makes long hours pass 
quickly and hard work a pleasure. (Ambition is now fac¬ 
ing audience.) .Unless you have, first and last, an abiding 
faith in your project and in your ability—you cannot suc¬ 
cessfully carry it out. Enthusiasm and self-confidence 
carries you forward with a rush, overcomes obstacles, sur¬ 
mounts difficulties, beats down opposition, and gains your 
goal—Success. 

Everyone — (Stands up suddenly, jerks off coat and 
hangs it on back of his chair.) Success is already mine. It 
is all over but the shouting. 

Ambition —Enthusiasm! On the baseball field, the 
battle front, or in the busy ways of trade and industry— 
it’s all the same. Plaudits and reward are for the fellow 
who goes at it heart and soul. And then have faith. Men 
are made, and they rise to heights little dreamed of in 
former years, largely because they believe and have faith. 
Faith is no one performer by any means. A thousand times 
a thousand it has lifted the frail and faltering feet of men 
and women to the next step higher—and then still higher. 
If you hold the opinion that you will never fail, or side-step, 
or falter—that is the decision that will surely prevail 
against every odd of time or circumstance. (Exits briskly 
left.) . m\% 

{Everyone, who has remained standing, with his shoul¬ 
ders back, head up, and his eyes on Ambition, holds this 
position for a moment. Then he rolls up his sleeves, seats 
himself resolutely and types rapidly. He copies from a 
large book on the desk. What he writes is immaterial, has 
nothing to do with the play, but is merely symbolical of 
(Work.) 

(After a short pause enter Procrastination from right 
upper entrance. He is a careless, shiftless, lazy, but good- 
natured type, dressed accordingly. He shuffles across to 
piano stool, seats himself, yaivns and stretches. Places 
cigarette between his lips, and after repeated unsuccessful 
attempts to strike a match on his trousers leg, he glances 
at it, then angrily throws it to the floor. The match, which 


14 


is really a six-penny nail, must be thrown where it will 
strike the bare floor so audience will know it was a nail. 
The next match he carelessly strikes against the piano, 
against a piece of sandpaper which had previously been 
placed there for that purpose. After a few puffs he rises, 
hitches up his trousers and shuffles across stage, sinking in 
chair at left of desk. Experience, who occupies a chair up 
stage right, is reading a book. Everyone is typing rapidly. 
Procrastination watches him with astonishment.) 

Procrastination — (As Everyone removes sheet and 
places it at right of typewriter.) Hello, what’s the big 
idea? 

Everyone — (Without looking at him.) Go away. 
Don’t bother me. (Inserts sheet in typewriter.) 

Procrastination—A w, c’mon, be sociable, can’t you? 

Everyone —This is my busy day. 

Procrastination — (At end of line.) Are you work¬ 
ing on a bet or something? 

Everyone —I am doing this because I like it. 

Procrastination —Ye gods, he says he likes it. 
Dollars to doughnuts, there’s a woman at the bottom of this. 
(Everyone types a line. At end of line) Say buddy, 
you’re not going to a fire. You’re not the fire department. 

Everyone — (Looks him over.) Beg pardon, but what 
did they name you when you were a baby? 

Procrastination —They call me Procrastination. 

Everyone —I’ve heard of you. Well, I’m sorry, but I 
haven’t got time to talk to you today. (Types a line.) 

Procrastination — (At end of line) Take time. I 
always have plenty of it. 

Everyone—I could use more time, but I don’t care to 
follow your method of getting it. 

Procrastination — Whadayoumean? 

Everyone—I have heard it stated that Procrastination 
is the thief of time. 

Procrastination —Aw, forget it, forget it. (Everyone 
types a line. At end of line.) You can’t believe everything 


15 


you hear. Say, buddy, what's the big idea? Come, tell 
your papa all about it. 

Everyone — (Impatiently) Well, since you insist, 
there is a certain something that I have set my heart on 
getting, but it takes a lot of hard work, you understand, 
but the opportunity presented itself, so I am making the 
most cf the opportunity by working hard at it, and the 
sooner I finish the job, why! the sooner—ah—the sooner 
it's done, you understand, and—and—that's the situation 
in a nutshell. 

Procrastination —Great scott, what a nut! 

Everyone —So, under the circumstances, I’ll ask you 
to excuse me. 

Procrastination — (Stops Everyone as he is about to 
type a line.) What's your hurry? You're young. There's 
plenty of time. It’s a fine day. The sun is shining. And 
say, if you hurry you can get to the ball grounds in time for 
the game. 

Everyone —Game? What game? 

Procrastination —He asks me what game? Here 
you, Rip Van Winkle, wake up. Get the right wave length 
and harken. Today the New York Yankees, having an open 
date, are playing an exhibition game with ouY home boys, 
and the great and mighty Babe Ruth will positively be in 
the line-up. And you ask me what game? 

Everyone — (Interested.) Is that so. I didn't know 
anything about it. Are you sure Babe Ruth will play? 

Procrastination —Positively. I saw him in his uni¬ 
form, going out to the ball park, a half an hour ago. Come 
on. We can just make it. (Experience rises, awaiting the 
outcome.) 

Everyone —By jove, this may be my only chance of 
ever seeing a big league team in action. (Slowly rolling 
down sleeves.) I guess it will do no harm to let this job rest 
for a couple of hours. 

Proscrastination —It will do you good to get out. 
You'd get stale if you stuck to this job too close. A fellow 


16 


needs recreation occasionally. You’ll feel more like work¬ 
ing when you get back. 

Everyone —There’s some truth in what you say. 
(Rises and reaches for coat.) 

Procrastination —By the way, what was this certain 
something you said you had set your heart on getting? 

(Everyone, facing audience, stops suddenly with his 
coat half on. He reaches in coat pocket, takes out photo¬ 
glyph, regards it a moment, then replaces the photograph, 
sighs, hangs the coat on back of chair, sits down and re¬ 
sumes typing. Experience nods his head in satisfaction 
and smiles. Procrastination registers bewildered astonish¬ 
ment.) 

Procrastination — (At end of line.) Why—what 
about the ball game? 

Everyone —The ball game is scratched. 

Procrastination — (At end of line.) Say, how does a 
fellow get that way ? 

Everyone—A sk Experience. He is partly the cause of 
it. 

Procrastination —Have you been listening to that 
old croaker? He’s a joke. I never pay any attention to 
him. Times change. A person does not have to keep his 
nose to the grindstone nowadays to get along. Enjoy your¬ 
self while you are young. 

Everyone—I am enjoying myself. Ambition has con¬ 
vinced me that work is a pleasure. 

Procrastination —Aha. So Ambition has got you in 
his clutches, has he? He knows better than to bother me. 
Always wants a fellow to work, work, work—and for what ? 
To win Success, whom I have never seen. I’ll bet that this 
little French girl, Pleasure, has Success faded to a stand¬ 
still. 

Everyone —Are you acquainted with Pleasure? 

Procrastination —Am I? Oh, boy! That pert little 
French maid, with her cute little French accent, and her 
dashing little French manner, has got me running around 
in circles. Some chicken, believe me. Hot dog! 


17 


Everyone —(Types a line, then) I wouldn’t mind 
meeting Pleasure some time. 

Procrastination—T oo late, buddy. It wouldn’t do 
you a bit of good. I saw her first. (Turns to Experience) 
You don’t approve of that little French girl, do you old 
weisenheimer? 

Experience —(Smiles ) She’s all right if a person 
does not permit her to take up too much of his time. 

Procrastination—S he can’t take up too much of my 
time. I have unlimited leisure. 

Experience—I f you would look around you no doubt 
would find better ways of utilizing some of your unlimited 
leisure. 

Procrastination—I don’t look around for nothing. I 
believe in following the lines of least resistance. 

Experience—F ollowing the lines of least resistance 
is what makes rivers crooked—and men too. 

Procrastination—O f course you would have to pull 
some wise crack like that. 

Experience—A nd it doesn’t pay to be crooked—look 
at the corkscrews out of a job. 

Procrastination—S ome are still working on the q. t. 
(Turning to Everyone) Well, are you going to the ball 
game or not? 

Everyone—I am not going. (Types a line.) 

Procrastination —(At end of line, trying once more.) 
The Style Girls will all be there. Come on, see a good game, 
meet some nice people, have a good time, and feel more like 
working in the morning. 

Everyone—I feel like working right now. (Types a 
line. Procrastination throws up hands in surrender, and 
goes to left entrance.) 

Procrastination —(At end of line.) I give up. No 
shells were ever cracked by arguing with a nut. (Exit.) 

(Everyone types furiously to make up for lost time. 
Enter Popularity from back of house, down center aisle 
to stage. He is a loud, jolly hale-fellow well-met character. 
He starts talking loudly when about center of house, and 


18 


keeps it up as he rapidly advances and ascends steps to 
stage. Everyone stops in the center of a line and wears 
a startled expression as he observes the approach of Pop¬ 
ularity.) 

Popularity—H ello, up there. I’ve been looking for 
you everywhere. Where have you been keeping yourself? 

Everyone—F or Pete’s sake, what’s coming now? 

Popularity—W ell, well, well! What are you doing 
for yourself? How are you, anyway? (Advances with 
outstretched hand.) 

Everyone— (Arises and stammers) Why,—I—you—I 
am glad to see you, I am sure— 

Popularity— (Shaking hands heartily) Right back 
at you. How’s the boy? 

Everyone—A ll right, I guess. How is it with you? 

Popularity—B ully. 

Everyone—T hat’s good. 

Popularity—Y es, I was elected president of our cham¬ 
ber of commerce last night, and feel rather elated. Of 
course, it will mean extra work, as I will be called on now 
more frequently to make a talk at banquets, meetings, and 
so forth. The job will take a lot of my time, and will 
be especially hard on me because of the numerous other 
offices of various kinds that I hold. But it pays. 

Everyone—I suppose the salary that is connected 
with— 

Popularity— (Interrupting) Salary? Nothing of the 
kind. There is honor and glory, but no salary. However, 
by being actively interested in the various societies and 
organizations, especially if one is at the head of things, 
a person becomes known, gains publicity, meets influential 
(people, and in that way betters his chances of getting along 
in the world. 

Everyone—I beg your pardon, but if you mentioned 
your name before, I failed to catch it. 

Popularity—I am known as Popularity. And you 
are Everyone. 

Everyone—Y es. I was not aware that you knew me. 


19 


Popularity— (Slapping Everyone on the shoulder) 
My dear boy, I make it my business to know everybody, 
and usually call them by their first names. It pays. I 
see you have taken up a line of work. What is your goal? 

Everyone—I am doing this in an effort to win Success. 

Popularity —Fine. Great. Good luck to you. It is 
fortunate I happened along. I will assist you. 

Everyone —Your assistance will be appreciated. 

Popularity —I can tell you exactly how to win Suc¬ 
cess. The line of work you are doing is all right as far 
as it goes, but you must manage to meet people who are 
influential, or who will some day be influential. Make as 
many friends as possible. It pays. 

Everyone —It takes up a lot of a person’s time, as 
you said before. 

Popularity —Time well spent, believe me. Join the 
various organizations, societies and lodges, be an active 
member, be a good fellow, and you will be surprised how 
easy it is to get an office of some kind, be placed on com¬ 
mittees, and so forth. People will become better acquainted 
with you, they will like you, and their influence and their 
friendship will help you win Success. 

Everyone —But Experience and Ambition both say 
that the way to win Success is to select a certain line of 
endeavor and then work everlastingly at it. 

Popularity —They don’t mean that you should drop 
everything else. You must have some relaxation, and 
what better way to relax than to become interested in the 
various organizations and societies. By the way, I have 
just the thing to assist you to become better known. Our 
•annual Town Boosters Banquet will be held next Tues¬ 
day night. Everybody worth while will be there—the 
most progressive business men, professional men, and 
farmers of this community. There is room on the program 
for one more speaker. I select you. 

Everyone —Me? I am not well enough known. 

Popularity —Making speeches is one of the ways to 
become well known. 


20 


Everyone—I was never so busy—and then in addi¬ 
tion prepare a speech— (as if it were impossible.) 

Popularity —Preparing a speech will take but little 
of your time. 

Everyone —To prepare a suitable talk for an occasion 
of that kind will take practically all of my time,, I can’t 
afford to neglect this work I have started. 

Popularity —You cannot afford to miss this oppor¬ 
tunity for making friends. There will be many up-and- 
coming young men at the banquet—perhaps a future con¬ 
gressman, or senator, or judge, and who knows—a future 
governor. There will be young men present who might 
some day be at the head of big enterprises. Their influence 
ten or fifteen years from now will be invaluable. 

Everyone— (Doubtfully.) I guess you’re right. 

Popularity—A bsolutely. 

Everyone—I haven’t the least idea what to say. 

Popularity —Easiest thing in the world. (Taking 
newspaper dippings from pocket) You should be prepared. 
See here, are clippings of a number of addresses delivered 
on similar occasions in other cities at various times. Take 
them. Use a little from each, change them to suit, mix in 
a few new stories, and there you are. 

Everyone— (Takes clippings) Well, I’ll try it. 

Popularity— (Slapping him on shoulder) Attaboy. 
You will never regret it. (Looks at watch.) Got to be 
going. Late now. Have a meeting to attend this after¬ 
noon, and toastmaster at a dinner tonight. No. (Takes 
out notebook) no, the dinner is tomorrow night. Let’s see. 
Oh yes, at eight o’clock tonight one of the judges at the 
baby show to be given by the Women’s Better Baby Con¬ 
test. So long. (Shake hands.) If I see Success I will 
put in a good word for you. 

Everyone— (Hurriedly) Do you know Success well? 

Popularity— (Hesitates) In a way—yes. I have met 
her. Get a glimpse of her occasionally. I am very much 
interested in her, but my various duties keep me so busy 
that I have been unable to cultivate her acquaintance. 


21 


(Pulls tickets out of pocket) By the way, can I sell you 
a ticket to the American Legion ball to be held next (con¬ 
sults note book) let’s see, next Wednesday night? I am on 
the arrangements committee, and am also assisting the 
boys to dispose of the tickets. One dollar. 

Everyone —(Exchanges one dollar for ticket) I 
can’t come, but will take a ticket. 

Popularity—C ome by all means. Makes you solid 
with the Legion boys. It pays. Well, if I should happen 
to meet Success, I’ll put in a good word for you. (He hur¬ 
riedly exits down steps and up the aisle.) 

Everyone—T hank you for your assistance. 

Popularity —(Replies over his shoulder as he exits) 
Glad to do that much for you. No trouble at all. Don’t 
work too hard. 

(Enter Pleasure from right. She is a dashing little 
French maid. She stops as she sees Everyone , then walks 
down to Ais desk and examines typewriter. Everyone , who 
has paused to examine newspaper clippings , now turns 
toward desk , but stops when he sees Pleasure.) 

Pleasure—A h, beg pardon. You work here? 

Everyone—Y es, if you please. (She moves to center, 
tvhile he goes to desk and stands irresolute.) 

Pleasure—O h, don’t mind me. I onlee look around. 
(She does so. Everyone seats himself at desk.) 

Everyone— (Embarrassed) You will excuse me, I 
hope. I have some important work to get out. 

Pleasure—O h, sur elee. (Comes to desk. Commiser¬ 
ating) Poor boy. Haf to work so hard. 

Everyone—I don’t mind it. 

Pleasure—I stay here wiz you, eh, what? So you 
don’t get lonelee. What is your name? 

Everyone—I am Everyone. 

Pleasure—O h, how nice. I am Pleazeur. I play wiz 

you. 

Everyone— (Embarrassed) Some other time, per¬ 

haps. Just now, I am very busy. 

Pleasure— Busee? Tell me, why you work so hard? 


22 


Everyone —To win Success. 

Pleasure —Oh, you wish to win Success, eh, what? 
1 help you. But you mus’ not work too hard. You mus’ 
haf some fun, or you get so sour zat Success no like you. 
You mus’ let me entertain you. 

Everyone — (Hesitating) Really, I— 

Pleasure —Please, or I become desolate wiz grief. 
Now today we haf some music, some songs, somezing funee, 
too. We come here and use ze piano, what? Not long, 
just a few minutes, zen you can work again to *win Suc¬ 
cess. Ah, Success (kisses her finger tips), she is so charm¬ 
ing, so beautiful, so lovelee. Wait, I help you. 

Everyone —You can come if you don’t bother me. 

Pleasure —No bozzer at all. You keep right on work¬ 
ing. Zey come here and play, but you need not look. Just 
a few minutes. But tomorrow, I haf somezing else. 

Everyone —Tomorrow, too ? 

Pleasure —Ah, wait, you see. You will like it very 
much. Ze Style Girls, wiz lovelee new frocks. Such pret- 
tee costumes I show you. You will be deelighted. 

Everyone—I am more interested in getting this job 
finished. 

Pleasure —Oh, don’t you wish to meet my friends? 
We jus’ play here a little while. You zink more of your 
work zan of Pleasure. 

Everyone —I don’t dislike you, but— 

Pleasure —( Stands very close to him, coaxing) Ah, 
zen to please me you will let us play here? 

Everyone —Well, all right. 

Pleasure —And tomorrow, we have ze style show. 
Such charming dresses, such prettee frocks, (or coats, etc.) 
such darling girls. When you will see what you see, you 
will zank me. But now we first have some entertainment. 
First a prettee song by Miss So-and-so. 

(A few specialties are introduced here, lasting not less 
than thirty minutes. Pleasure introduces the different 
acts, and during the act remains near Everyone. He at¬ 
tempts to do some work, hut finds it difficult of accomplish- 


23 


merit. He runs the typewriter only when it does not in¬ 
terfere with the performance. He can between times ex¬ 
amine his manuscript, making marginal notes with pencil, 
but occasionally allows his attention to stray to the per¬ 
formance, or to Pleasure, who off and on converses with 
him silently. The following will give you an idea how to 
arrange your program. Use the talent you have in your 
own way. Experience may leave stage during program.) 

Pleasure — (At conclusion of song and encore) Now, 
was not zat song sweet? 

Everyone —Yes, I liked it. 

Pleasure —See, what I tell you? Next, one of my 
boys, he give a funee monologue. 

(Monologue or recitation.) 

Pleasure —How you like him, what? 

Everyone —Not so bad. 

Pleasure —How you like some dancing now? A solo 
dance by one of my girls. Wait, you see. 

(Solo dance and encore.) 

Pleasure —Now, how you like him? Was zat not 
cute? 

Everyone —I could stand more of that. 

Pleasure —No, zat is enough. Next comes some fine 
music by our orchestra. Such exquisite harmony ze make. 

(Selection by orchestra or string quartette.) 

Pleasure —Now we haf somezing comical by some of 
my boys. Such fine boys ze are. They will gif minstrel 
show. 

(Procure one or two of the rolls that contain a com¬ 
plete minstrel first-part, abbreviated, consisting of negro 
melodies and songs that were popular ten or fifteen years 
ago, solo and quartette, interspersed with jokes and danc¬ 
ing. The interlocutor takes the piano, while the four or 
more boys go through the performance as printed on the 
roll. This number will be more effective if the performers 
appear in black-face. If your dealer cannot furnish these 
rolls, write to author for name and address of dealer who 


24 


will send them to you. The rolls, on which are printed 
the words of the songs, and with which is included a book 
of jokes, cost $1.00 each.) 

(Five or six performers can put on a good program, 
or you may utilize fifty or more by chorus work. Your 
program can consist of popular selections, or you may give 
selections from grand opera. Do not hesitate to go out¬ 
side of the class for exceptionally good talent, whose names 
on your program will increase the attendance.) 

Pleasure — (At conclusion of program) Now, did you 
not enjoy yourself? 

(Experience enters.) 

Everyone —Sure, I enjoyed myself. That was a fine 
program. But now I must get to work, really. You’ll ex¬ 
cuse me, I know. 

Pleasure —Ah, always you wish to make the type- 
writaire go. I leave you now. But tomorrow I bring the 
Style Girls wiz all ze prettee dresses. Ah, magnificent 
(turns eyes upward in rapture and kisses finger tips.) Such 
prettee frocks, such prettee bonnets. You will be delight 
when you see zose charming girls. (Goes right. Every¬ 
one types. She returns. He stops.) So you will not for¬ 
get me. (Inserts stem of rose in vase which is on piano, 
and places vase on desk.) There. Zis rose, I gif him to 
you. (Goes to right upper entrance, and blows kiss to 
Everyone.) Adieu. (Enter Procrastination, left en¬ 
trance.) 

Procrastination —Hello, Pleasure, save one of those 
for me. 

Pleasure — (Shakes finger at Procrastination) You 
lazee boy. Why you don’t work, like Everyone? 

Procrastination—I’ d rather play with you, sweetie. 

Pleasure —Don’t you sweetie me. I don’t like lazee 
men. I like livelee men, men with lots of pepper. 

Procrastination —You mean to say that I am a dead 

one? 

Pleasure —You too slow. Give me men who are what 


25 


you call here in America—ah—living wires—non, non—I 
mean alive wires. (Goes to exit.) 

Procrastination —Say, wait a minute, Pleasure. How 
would you like to have a pearl? 

Pleasure — (Comes to him and holds out hand.) Let 
me see ze pearl. 

Procrastination—I haven’t got it yet, but I will have 
one soon. You know they find pearls in oyster shells. 

Pleasure —One pearl in ze hand is worth more zan 
a hundred in ze shell of ze oyster. (She goes upstage. Pro¬ 
crastination goes down to piano and moodily attempts to 
pick out a tune with one finger.) 

Pleasure — (Calling) Everyone. 

Everyone— (Turning) What now? 

Pleasure — (Beckons) Come here please. I wish to 
ask you somesing. (He goes upstage, where they silently 
engage in conversation.) 

(Enter Success from back of house. She is a 
sweet, attractive young lady, and costumed in a manner 
to enhance her appearance. She comes down the 
aisle, trips lightly up the steps, takes center of stage, 
down, and surveys the others, who are at first unconscious 
of her presence. Procrastination sees her first, expresses 
bewildered astonishment as he rises to his feet, and hur¬ 
riedly attempts to improve his appearance by brushing 
down his hair with his hand, straightening his tie, etc. He 
then moves slowly towards Success, which is the cue for 
Everyone to become aware of her presence. He immedi¬ 
ately loses interest in Pleasure, and although she attempts 
to hold his attention, by pantomime, he leaves her abruptly 
and comes dowjn to the side of Success, right. Ple\dSure 
tosses her head, and exits right.) 

Success — (After a suitable pause) Do you mind if 
I rest here a while? 

Procrastination —I’ll say I don’t. 

Everyone —Beg pardon, I’ll get a chair. 

(Both rush backstage, Everyone to right, Procastina- 
tion to left, hesitate in their selection of a suitable chair, 


26 


glance at Success, then at settee. They eye each other sus¬ 
piciously, then hurry to the settee, arriving at the samd 
time. Rehearse this well. Each takes hold of his end of the 
settee, pause a moment to glare at each other, then hurry 
downstage and place settee carefully in position, back of 
Success.) 

Everyone —Please be seated. 

Procrastination — (Ingratiating) Something big 
enough for two just about suits us, don’t it little girl? 

Success —Thank you. (Glances at settee.) It is not 
very soft, is it? 

Everyone —Beg pardon. 

Procrastination —I’ll fix it. 

(Rushing backstage, each grabs a pillow, then pause 
to glare at each other. Success has moved over to the 
piano, where she examines the music.) 

Everyone —Say listen, two is company and three 
is a crowd. 

Procrastination—Y eah, if you don’t like to be in a 
crowd, you know what you can do. 

Everyone —She has probably come here to see me, 
on business or something, and the proper thing for you 
to do is to excuse yourself and leave. 

Procrastination —Say, I thought you had no time 
for anything but your work. You stick to your job there 
and I’ll entertain the lady. I have nothing else to do. 

Everyone —No, I’ve changed my mind. (Desper¬ 
ately.) I’ll make you a proposition. We’ll both place 
our pillow on the settee. If she accepts mine you excuse 
yourself and leave. If she takes yours, I’ll leave. 

Procrastination — (Thinks it over) If she uses your 
pillow she’s yours, and if she uses my pillow she belongs to 
me, is that the proposition? 

Everyone —Yes. 

Procrastination —All right, I’ll go you. 

(They place the pillows on the settee, Everyone right, 
Procrastination left . Success comes to settee and is at 
first undecided. The two boys are in suspense. Success 


27 


is facing audience, and is making her selection by glancing 
over her shoulders, and moving from one end of the settee 
to the other. Finally Success picks up both pillows, places 
one on top of the other in exact center of settee, and sits 
down.) 

Procrastination — (After a pause) Great guns, she’s 
a bigamist. 

(Success smiles. During the following scene the two 
boys continually attempt to come near her, seating them¬ 
selves on arms of settee or placing their hands on back 
and leaning over her. However she discourages these at¬ 
tempts, and rmakes them keep their distance by tapping 
them with her fan or parasol, whichever she chooses to 
carry.) 

Everyone — (After an awkward pause.) Ah —nice 
day, isn’t it? 

Success —Yes indeed. (Pause, then siveetly) Do you 
wish to talk about it. 

Everyone — (Hurriedly) Oh no, no. I—I was just 
remarking. 

Success—I see. 

Procrastination —Don’t I look familiar to you in 
some way? (Attempts to sit on arm of settee and is 
shooed off.) 

Success —Your ways are certainly familiar. (Pause.) 
Who are you if I may ask. 

Procrastination —You wouldn’t remember my name 
—I’m no one in particular. 

Success —I can see that. (Pause) You don’t appear 
very prosperous—how is the world treating you? 

Procrastination — (Solemnly) Very seldom. 

Everyone—I appreciate your coming here and giving 
me a chance to become better acquainted with you. 

Procrastination —Ditto. That goes two ways. 

Success — (To Everyone) Is that your desk? (Nods 
to desk.) 

Everyone —Yes, that is where I work. I have been 
very busy. 


28 


Success —You were busy when I arrived, and seemed 
interested too—but not in your work. 

Everyone —Oh, that was only Pleasure—it is impos¬ 
sible to keep her away—she's a harmless little creature. 

(Everyone takes photograph from pockety and by comr 
parison observes that it is the likeness of Success.) 

Procrastination —She can’t hold a candle to you. 
Princess. 

Success— (To Procrastination) Where’s your desk? 

Procrastination—I haven’t selected any particular 
line of endeavor yet—just looking around. 

Success —You are not afraid of work? 

Procrastination —Afraid of work? I should say not. 
I can lie right down beside it and can go to sleep. 

Success —Seriously now, why don’t you attempt some¬ 
thing worth while and be somebody in this world. 

Procrastination —Easily enough said. I have tried— 

Success —And didn’t you do as well as you expected? 

Procrastination —No. But then I didn’t expect to. 
The trouble is that everytime I try to rise in life I am 
bushed to the bottom again. 

Success —You are not pushed —you rattle to the bot¬ 
tom. 

Procrastination —Rattle? What do you think I am, 
a tin Lizzie? 

Success —Let me illustrate. If you place some little 
white beans and a few big black walnuts in a glass jar, 
mix them all up, and then shake the jar, what happens? 
The little beans go to the bottom and the big nuts go to 
the top. You can help little bean to the top a hundred 
times, but shake the jar and he again goes to the bottom. 
He is not pushed to the bottom, he rattles down, while the 
big nuts shake to the top. Their size takes them up. There¬ 
fore, if you wish to go to the top, change your size. 

Procrastination —That isn’t it. Some people are 
just naturally unlucky, while others have all the good luck. 

Success —Not at all. Merely a matter of size. We’ll 
take the glass jar again, and mix up the little beans and 


29 


the big nuts. We will then give the jar a hard bump. What 
happens, All the little beans go to the bottom while the 
big nuts go to the top. The same bump, but it bumped the 
little fellows down and bumped the big fellows up. There¬ 
fore I say, grow bigger. 

Everyone— (Admiringly) You talk just like Ambi¬ 
tion, or Experience. 

Procrastination—A nd affect me about the same way. 

Success —They are both good friends of mine. 

Procrastination—L ucky dogs, I say. 

Everyone—I have found their advice and counsel good 
and am following it. 

Success— (Rising) I am taking up too much of your 
time, I fear. I will go. 

Procrastination —Wait a minute. We've hardly got 
acquainted yet. I don’t even know your name. 

Success —Ask Experience, he will tell you. (Moves 
up to left upper entrance.) 

Procrastination —Wait a minute. When will I see 
you again. 

Success —Do you wish to meet me again and become 
better acquainted? 

Procrastination —I’ll tell the world I do. 

Success —Then if you wish to know my name, and 
wish to win my friendship, follow the advice of my dear 
friend, Experience. Au revoir. (Smiles and exits.) 

Everyone —Experience, she called you her very dear 
friend. 

Experience —That is correct. 

Procrastination —Well, all I got to say is that if 
you’re a friend of hers you’re a friend of mine. Come and 
sit down. 

(Both boys take Experience by the arms and bring 
him down stage, forcing him to sit in settee , making him 
comfortable with cushions.) 

Procrastination —Old scout, will you put in a good 
word for me with that little Princess. 

Experience —Certainly I will. 


30 


Procrastination —Have a cigar. (Gives him cigav) 

Experience—I can help any man to win her, if he 
will follow my advice. 

Procrastination —You can? Here have another 
cigar. (Forces another cigar on him.) All right, tell 
me how to go about it. 

Experience —Choose a certain line of endeavor, then 
work everlastingly at it. 

Procrastination— Good night. I knew there would 
be a catch in it somewhere. ' 

Everyone— (Looking at photognaph.) Experience, 
you have not been spoofing me? This is really Success? 

Experience —Yes, and that was Success who just left. 

Procrastination — (Astonished.) Success. Is that 

Success? 

Experience—Y es. 

Procrastination —Great guns. No wonder people 
work like crazy to win Success. Well, my hat's in the ring. 
I'm going crazy too. 

Everyone —Experience, if I faithfully stick to the job 
I have started here, and complete it, will Success be mine? 

Experience—I know of no surer way to win her. 

Everyone —That’s all I want to know. (Goes quickly 
to desk, crumples up rose and newspaper clippings and 
throws them off stage right, rolls up sleeves, seats himself 
and prepares to work.) 

Procrastination —Count me in, Experience. From 
now on I am out to win Success. 

Experience —You will commence work immediately, 
I presume? 

Procrastination —Not much use starting today any 
more—too late. I’ll wait now until tomorrow. Does any¬ 
body know of a good opportunity waiting to be grasped? 

Experience—Y ou must find your own opportunity. 

Procrastination —I know what I’ll do. I’ll keep Ev¬ 
eryone company. I’ll bring a table and typewriter here 
and be all ready for opportunity when it shows up. ( Goes 
to left entrance) I am going to increase my size, as sug- 


31 


gested by Success. Then instead of rattling to the bottom 
like a little bean, I’ll be pushed to the top, like a big nut. 
Do you think that’s possible, Experience? 

Experience —( Emphatically) Certainly. IT CAN 

BE DONE. 

End of First Act. 


ACT TWO 

(Everyone is still typing. He removes sheet of paper 
from machine, places it at his right, taking another sheet 
from his left and inserts it in machine. The stack of paper 
at his left is diminished about three-fourths to show prog¬ 
ress that has been made.) 

(Procrastination enters from left, carrying a folding 
table, a small typewriter and stationery. He erects the 
table down left, in front of piano, uncovers typewriter, ar¬ 
ranges paper and lights a cigarette. Experience strolls 
down stage.) 

Procrastination —Well, you see I have gone to work. 

Experience —When did you start? 

Procrastination —I haven’t exactly started yet, but 
I am all ready to start. As soon as I run up the street 
and get a bite to eat, I’ll be all set. ( Goes left but re¬ 
turns) Say, that Success is some queen, believe me. She 
can put her feet under my table any time she says the 
word. By the hen’s earrings, she’s some doll! I wish I 
had grasped one of these opportunities sooner, that’s what 
I wish. 

Experience —The trouble with a good many people 
who do not do as well as they might is that they have more 
wishbone than backbone. 

Procrastination —There you go again. Say, since 


32 


you are supposed to know it all, tell me this: Is it true 
that two can live as cheap as one? 

Experience—A s cheap as one what? 

Procrastination—A w, you know what I mean. Can 
two persons live as cheap as one person? 

Experience—N o one wants to live cheap now days. 

Procrastination—C ome across with the answer. 

Experience—( Slowly) The attempt to prove that 
two can live as cheaply as one often results in the neces¬ 
sity of providing for three. 

Procrastination—( Thoughtfully ) I never thought 
of that. 

Experience—O n the other hand, many people have 
discovered that not only can two live as cheaply as one, 
but that they have to. 

Procrastination—O uch. (Staggers with hand to 

head.) 

Experience—N o doubt that does not apply to you, 
as you have probably saved some money. 

Procrastination—N o, I don't waste any of my money 
by saving it. But listen, tell me this: Does it take much 
to keep a woman in pin money? 

Experience—T hat depends upon whether her taste* 
runs to diamond pins or to roller pins. 

Procrastination—N ow I know as much as I did be¬ 
fore. Well, I’ll get something to eat and then I am going 
to work in earnest. A fellow has got to have strength if 
he expects to do much work. I'll be right back. ( Pleas¬ 
ure enters from right) Hello, Pleasure. 

Pleasure—H ello, lazee boy. 

Procrastination—N ot lazy any more. I've gone to 
work. See, (indicates his desk) that's mine. 

Pleasure—Y ours? You going to work? I am sur¬ 
prise! What is it, are you seek? 

Procrastination—S ick nothing! There’s a reason. 

Pleasure —(Goes to him) Tell me, why for you all 
at once are not lazee any more. 

Procrastination—I' m going to be a big nut. 


33 


Pleasure—B ig nut? 

Procrastination—Y es, increase my size. 

Pleasure—W hat you mean? 

Procrastination—I’ ll tell you some other time. 

Pleasure—C ome, tell me now. I am curious to know. 

Procrastination—Y ou wouldn’t understand. 

Pleasure—( Thoughtfully ) There is somezing back 
of zis. 

Procrastination—( Mysteriously ) You have a right 
to be puzzled. There is something back of it all. (Goes 
to left exit) In other words, there’s a nigger in the wood- 
pile. {Exit.) 

Pleasure—( Puzzled ) These American expressions— 
zey are so funnee. {To Experience) Tell me, Experience, 
what he mean by zose words? 

Experience—W hat were the words that are so baf¬ 
fling, Pleasure? 

Pleasure—H e say—wait till I zink a little—he say, 
zat there is a colored gentleman in ze lumber yard. 

Experience— {Laughs) Don’t take him too seriously, 
Pleasure. 

Pleasure—I don’t wish to take him at all. {Goes to 
Everyone) Ah, you poor boy. Always you make ze type¬ 
writer go tap-a-tap-tap. 

Everyone—Y es, and I am tired, too. 

Pleasure—A h, but wait. Soon ze Style Girls come. 
Zen you shall be entertained. Zen you take it easee. 

Everyone—I have changed my mind, Pleasure. If 
it is all the same to you, I wish you would take the girls 
somewhere else. 

Pleasure—S omewhere else! For why? Such prettee 
frocks, you wish to see zem, surely. You say you are tired, 
you need to have some fun. 

Everyone—I admit I need relaxation. But since you 
were here yesterday something of great importance has 
turned up—some important business matter that—er—that 
will require all my time. 

Pleasure—B usiness matter? You zink I don’t know? 


34 


You are infatuated wiz Success, and don’t care for Pleas- 
oor. For her you turn me under, what, you give me ze 
shake ? 

Everyone —I am not turning you down. I only ask 
to be excused today. I am too busy. 

Pleasure —Too busee? (She is getting excited) Suc¬ 
cess will have nossing to do wiz you unless you work hard, 
while I, Pleasoor, require only zat you be merry. You 
turn me down for her. I hate her! Ah, my rose, where 
is he? (Picks up vase) What become of him, what? 
I know. Success come here and— 

Everyone — (Rises) Here, you let Success out of this. 
I won’t stand for anything of that kind. 

Pleasure — (Quickly relenting) Do not become an- 
gree. I be good. 

Everyone —I am not angry, I appreciate your good 
intentions, of course, and there is no reason why we 
shouldn’t be good friends, but that’s all. 

Pleasure —Oh, so stern, so sober. I wish to be your 
friend, onlee allow my Style Girls to show you their prettee 
clothes, zen I shall not bozzer you no more. Surelee you 
have time to take a little peep at zem. Please. 

Everyone — (Impatiently) Well, hurry on and have 
it over with. 

Pleasure —Ze girls are all ready. I tell them to come. 

Procrastination— (Entering with a few sandwiches 
and a bottle of milk.) Hello, sweetie. 

Pleasure —Don’t you sweetie me or I give you a 
slap on the face. 

Procrastination —Now, now, is that the way to 
talk to your old friend? 

Pleasure —You sit down and be quiet. The Style 
Girls are coming right away. 

Procrastination —Is that so? Why didn’t you let* 
me know sodner? I might have missed it. (Places lunch 
on his table and sits down.) Let ’em come. Oh boy. 
Hot puppy! 


35 


Pleasure —You can go right ahead wiz your work. 
We will not disturb you. 

Procrastination —Oh, this work can wait. 

(Experience may leave stage during Style Show.) 

(The Style Girls enter one at a time from right upper 
entrance. She walks slowly across stage and back again, 
then down to front center, where she poses, turns, poses 
again, then exits left upper entrance, to change if neces¬ 
sary for her to appear a second time. Arrange your show 
so necessary changes in costume can be made without 
causing delay. Rehearse your Style Show so it moves 
smoothly. The lines with Procrastination are said while 
the girl poses and turns down center, just before making 
her exit. If you prefer, have the girls display the styles 
to music, omitting all lines with Procrastination.) 

(EVOLUTION OF DRESS: Schools that don't mind 
the trouble and extra expense, can arrange an Evolution 
of Dress, to be substituted for the Style Show. A few 
suggestions follow: Helen of Troy, draped in filmy blue; 
Queen Cleopatra, in shimmering metal cloth and crowned 
with a headdress of peacock feathers; a mediaeval queen, 
dressed in rose brocade, with crown and ermine-lined 
cloak; an Indian Princess, glittering ivith jewels and 
swathed in rare fabrics; Queen Isabelle in Spanish court 
dress; Queen Elizabeth in the fashion she dictated to 
England; Priscilla of Puritan days in her prim gray; 
Marie Antoinette with immense hoop skirt of deep rose 
satteen; Empress Josephine in the dignified Directoire 
mode; a belle of 1850 in wide hoop skirt, from which 
peeps dainty lace frilled pantalettes, a lady of 1890 or 
thereabout, with leg-o'-mutton sleeves, prim, high collar 
and tiny (< cabbage leaf” hat, perched on a high coiffure, 
a 1922 flapper, dressed in bright green sports coat and 
hat, swagger stick, “’n everything”; her sister of 1923, 
very slim and straight, in clinging long-skirted black . 
with Russian toque and long cane, and last the latest 
thing at the time this play is produced. As a final episode, 


36 


shoiv the Best Dressed Woman in the World, a Red Cross 
Nurse. Show the Evolution of Dress to music.) 

(An easier and less expensive method of Showing the 
Evolution of Dress is to exhibit American costumes only, 
starting with an Indian maid and progressing up to the 
present time.) 

(If desired, the Style Show or Evolution of Dress can 
be shoivn on a slightly elevated platform at rear of stage, 
which is revealed by raising the back drop at the beginning 
of the style show. Throw strong lights on the platform.) 

(The following are optional lines for the Style Show: 
First Style Girl, after having walked across stage and 
back, arriving at front center, and while posing and turn¬ 
ing.) 

Style Girl — (She has an apple in her hand) Don’t 
you wish this was yours? 

Procrastination — (Goes to her) Say, divide up. 

Style Girl — (Holds apple back of her) Nothing do¬ 
ing. 

Procrastination— I’ll tell you what let’s do. Let’s 
play Adam and Eve. 

Style Girl—O h no I couldn’t. 

Procrastination— Come on. I’ll tell you how. You 
play Eve and I’ll play Adam. 

Style Girl—Y es. 

Procrastination —First you tempt me with that 
apple— 

Style Girl —And then? 

Procrastination— And then I’ll fall. 

Style Girl—I guess not. I will do better than that. 

(Breaks apple in two, picks out seed and gives it to him.) 
There. 

Procrastination —What’ll I do with this seed? 

Style Girl —Plant it and have a whole tree full of 
apples all to yourself. (Exit) 

(Procrastination angrily throws seed on floor and 
goes back to his table for a bite of lunch.) 


37 


Style Girl— (Downstage) How do you like my 

dress ? 

Procrastination— (Mouth full of food and without 
looking wp) Fine, fine. (Goes to her and admires dress) 
Say, little sunbeam, will you marry me? 

Style Girl—M arry you. Why my dear boy, it was 
only last week that I refused you. 

Procrastination— (Taking another look at her) Oh, 
was that you. (Immediately losing interest , he returns 
to table and resumes eating. Style Girl exits.) 

(Enter Style Girl wearing silk dress) 

Procrastination— (Goes to her) Some outfit. What 
kind of a dress is that? 

Style Girl—T his is a silk dress. 

Procrastination—S ilk dress. Wher’d you get it? 

Style Girl—W here do you suppose. My father gave 
it to me. 

Procrastination—O h, you got it from your father. 
Is that really silk? 

Style Girl—Y es, this is really silk. Isn’t is wonder¬ 
ful when you stop to think that this silk came from an 
insignificant little worm. 

Procrastination— (Shocked) Say, that’s no way to 
talk about your father. (Returns to table. Exit Style 
Girl.) 

Style Girl— (She lisps) Aren’t you Procathination ? 

Procrastination—T he culprit pleads guilty. 

Style Girl—D on’t you remember me. My name is 
Ellen Thloan. 

Procrastination— (Imitating her lisp) Ellen Thloan? 

Style Girl—N o, I thaid Ellen Thloan. 

Procrastination—T hat’s what I said, Thloan. 

Style Girl —(Spelling) Eth-l-o-a-n. 

Procrastination—O h, Sloan. 

Style Girl—Y eth. 

Procrastination—T om Thloan’th thithter? 

Style Girl—Y eth. 


38 


Procrastination—S ure I remember you. I met you 
at a party last summer. 

Style Girl—Y eth. And don’t you remember how we 
thneaked away from the retht and went walking along the 
bank of the thtream in the moonlight. Wathn’t it ro¬ 
mantic. 

Procrastination—I’ ll thay it wath. And don’t you 
remember, I learnt you how to— 

Style Girl—N o, you didn’t learn me. 

Procrastination—Y ou say I didn’t learn you how 

to— 

Style Girl—O f courthe not. How thilly. You 
didn’t learn me. You taught me. 

Procrastination—O h gee, what’s the differnce. 

Style Girl—O ne ith good Englith and the other 
ithn’t. Wher’th your gramma! where’th your gramma? 

Procrastination— (Astonished) Why, my gramma 
is at home with my grandpa. (Goes to table. She makes 
her exit.) 

(Another Style Girl enters. Procrastination remains 
seated.) 

Procrastination—H ello there, peaches, what’s your 
name? 

Style Girl—M y name is Hazel. 

Procrastination—H azel ? 

Style Girl—Y es, Hazel. 

Procrastination —(To audience) Ye gods, a whole 
almanac full of girl’s names, and her parents name her 
after a nut. (Goes to her) You look kinda good to me. 

Style Girl—I am sorry that I cannot say the same. 

Procrastination—D on’t you like me at all? 

Style Girl—I like you, but that is all. 

Procrastination—D on’t you think that in time you 
could learn to love me? 

Style Girl—I don’t know. Perhaps I might. I re¬ 
member distinctly having once disliked cabbage , but event¬ 
ually I acquired a taste for it. (Exit. Another enters.) 

Style Girl —(Observing Procrastination, who regis - 


39 


ters dislike of the milk he is drinking.) Doesn’t it taste 
right ? 

Procrastination —No, I believe some one hit this 
cow with a sour lemon. (Smells of bottle) This milk 
isn’t pure. 

Style Girl —To the pure all things are pure. 

Procrastination —You evidently heard Experience 
say that. (Goes to her) Well, if it isn’t one of my former 
sweethearts. 

Style Girl —Yes. There was a time when you ex¬ 
pressed undying affection for me, and now— 

Procrastination — (Extravagantly) Eight now my 
brain is on fire for love of you. 

Style Girl —Huh, I thought I detected an odor of 
burning wood. 

Procrastination —That’s a hot one, Come on, let’s 
make up. 

Style Girl —No, I am through with you. I admire 
men of courage. 

Procrastination —When have I ever shown a yellow 
streak ? 

Style Girl —The day we were strolling through a 
field, and a ferocious bull pursued us. You deserted me 
—you ran away—although you had frequently boasted that 
you would face death for me. 

Procrastination —Yes, but you see—this here bull 
wasn’t dead. 

Style Girl —When threatened by danger keep your 
head. Above all things, keep cool. 

Procrastination —Cool! Cool! Say, in times of 

great danger I am so cool I shiver! 

Style Girl — Coward! {Exits. Procrastination fol¬ 
lows her off.) 

Pleasure —( Comes to center of stage) We have seen 
many prettee costumes, but there is yet one more, the last. 
There will now come the Best Dressed Woman in the World. 

{Enter girl dressed in the uniform of a Red Cross 


40 


Nurse. She comes slowly down to front center, bows and 
smiles to the audience, and makes her exit at left.) 

{Everyone has neglected his work more and more as 
the Style Show has progressed, in admiration of the girls 
and their clothes. Towards the end, as he has relaxed, 
Pleasure has seated herself on desk, right of Everyone, with 
her back to audience, carelessly moving aside manuscript 
to make room. Occasionally she leans over and speaks to 
Everyone, with her face close to his. He smiles and replies.) 

Pleasure — {Arising) Now, was not the frocks, the 
coats, the furs {or whatever they were) prettee? 

Everyone —I’ll say they were. I wouldn’t have missed 
it for anything. 

Pleasure —Now, what shall we do tomorrow? 

Everyone — {Hesitates, glancing at typewriter) To¬ 
morrow again? 

Pleasure—W hy not? I like you, and you enjoy my 
company, do you not? 

Everyone—Y es, but I have other things to do. 

Pleasure — {Romantically) Nossing is of importance 
except zat you and I love each other. 

Everyone —Oh, no, Pleasure, you are going entirely 
too far. You are taking things for granted. I have not 
said that I love you, nor asked for your love! 

Pleasure —But you like me, non? 

Everyone —You are a friend of mine, and like a good 
friend I want you to leave me now to my work. 

Pleasure—I hate your work. Why mus’ you work 
all the time? 

Everyone —Because in no other way can I win Success. 

Pleasure —I make everysing nice for you. I enter¬ 
tain you. I play wis you. And now you give me ze cool 
shoulder! I will not stand for it. 

Everyone —Don’t get excited, Pleasure. 

Pleasure—I get as much excite as I wish. And why 
not, when you throw me down for zis sillee work? {Goes 
to right of desk, takes a few sheets of completed manu¬ 
script and tears it in two.) 


41 


Everyone — (Rising and attempting to prevent the 
destruction of his manuscript) Stop it! That’s enough 
of this. ( Points left, angrily) You get out of here, and 
stay away. Now, since I have found you out, I am through 
with you. Clear out! 

Pleasure — (Remains standing right of desk, with 
hands on hips) So, you wish to get rid of me! I enter¬ 
tain you, I amuse you, and now you wish to get rid of me 
so you can win Success. It is to laugh! They say you 
work hard and zen you win Success. But most people work 
hard all zeir lives, and yet zey do not win Success. You 
win Success, maybee! You make me seek! 

Everyone— No matter what you say, I am determined 
to win Success, and nothing shall prevent me. 

Pleasure —( Mocking) Is zat so? You say nossing 
shall prevent you. I show you. (Snatches up all of com¬ 
pleted manuscript and darts out of his reach to front of 
desk. He attempts to reach her, but she keeps the desk 
between them.) 

Everyone —( Angrily) Hand that over. Don’t you 
dare to destroy my life work! You little devil! {He darts 
after her, right of desk. She evades him, running swiftly 
up to left exit, where she turns and stops him with a ges¬ 
ture, about center of stage.) 

Pleasure —Stop! It is useless to pursue. You can 
never catch me. If you wish to win Success you will have 
to start all over again. Zis work here {holds up manu¬ 
script) has been wasted. It is flooie! I keep him. But 
when you are not angry at me any more, come to me if 
you wish, and I amuse you again. But zis {holding aloft 
manuscript) you will never get back. Adieu. {Blows kiss 
and exits quickly.) 

{Everyone stands irresolute for a moment, then turns, 
goes slowly to desk, places the cover on the typewriter, 
sadly studies photograph of Success for a moment before 
placing it face down on desk, and sits dejectedly at desk 
with head in hands. He is discouraged and has given up. 


42 


Experience observes him and smiles, shaking his head. 
Enter Ambition briskly.) 

Ambition —Hello, what’s this? I expected to find you 
engaged at your work. What has happened? 

Everyone—I have failed. 

Ambition —The only man who has failed is the man 
who believes it. 

Everyone —How can I do otherwise than believe it? 
I tried hard and was doing well, but Procrastination dis¬ 
turbed me, a*nd Pleasure and her friends came along and 
amused me to such an extent that I neglected my work, 
forgot Success for the moment. Then, when I tried to get 
rid of Pleasure she became jealous and destroyed all the 
work I had already accomplished. Everything is ruined. 
I have failed I tell you. 

Ambition —My boy, you are unnecessarily discouraged. 
What does one little failure amount to? It’s not the worst 
thing to fail if you have done your best and tried. Of 
course, it is humiliating to admit that the best you could 
do was to fail. Try again! Never give up! Give me the 
man who can hold on when others let go; who pushes ahead 
when others turn back; who advances when others retreat; 
who knows no such words as “can’t” or “give up”; and I 
will show you a man who will win in the end, no matter 
who opposes him, no matter what obstacles confront him. 

Everyone —Those words are not very encouraging to 
a man who has been thrown by a bucking broncho and is 
lying in the dust. 

Ambition —Get up and ride the horse that threw you. 
The man who gives up on the first down never gets any¬ 
where. He admits fear of the difficulty and lack of con¬ 
fidence in himself—two elements present in every abso¬ 
lute failure. To have the courage to mount again, know¬ 
ing the risk, but better prepared to meet it, is half way 
to successful accomplishment. It isn’t mastering the horse 
that really counts; it is the strengthened will power of 
the conquerer, and the inward joy of having accomplished 
the undertaking in spite of all opposition. Any man who 


43 


has never been thrown, is riding with a slack rein, a loose 
knee, and a false sense of security. According to all the 
laws of average and specific gravity, what goes up must 
come down—but no man needs to stay down. 

Everyone — (Rises) You are right, of course. I felt 
discouraged for a moment, I admit—who wouldn’t, but I 
have no intention of giving up. I am going to see this 
through. (Picks up photo and gazes at it.) 

Ambition —That’s right. I knew you were made of 
better stuff than to quit. You have grit. The world wants 
men with the clear grit of Paul Jones who, when surren¬ 
der was demanded, audaciously replied: “Surrender! I 
have just begun to fight.” Grit enabled Benjamin Frank¬ 
lin to dine on a small loaf in the printing office with a 
book in his hand; it kept George Stephenson at work fifteen 
years in building his first locomotive. Fulton’s grit pushed 
the Claremont up the Hudson amid the jeers of the multi¬ 
tude; Edison’s grit chained elcetricity to the uses of man. 
The difference between the great and the insignificant is a 
purpose fixed, then death or victory. No talent, no circum¬ 
stances, no opportunities will win Success without the in¬ 
definable quality called grit. Grit helped Lincoln, Grant 
and Garfield on their hard journeys from the railsplit¬ 
ting, the tannery and the towpath to the White House. 
Give a meaning to your life. Resolve to live nobly. Don’t 
be a dead leaf that falls upon the stream and is carried 
along by the eddying current on which it floats. Don’t 
take your cue from others. Take your place with men 
who have dared to be singular. Run with the crowd and 
you will count for nothing. Any dead fish can swim with 
the tide. Swim off, don’t wait for anybody to put a cork 
under you. 

Everyone — (Takes cover off of typewriter) After 
hearing you talk, Ambition, I am ready and willing to start 
all over again. I’ll win that charming little girl after all. 

Ambition —Of course you will. There is no doubt 
about it. But wait, Success will be here in a moment. She 
wishes to speak to you. 


44 


Everyone —Coming here? Am I to meet Success? 
Ambition —Yes. 

(Popularity enters hurriedly from audience, down 
aisle, timing his entrance so he will reach stage at end 
of last speech. He ascends steps and hurries to right exit, 
where is he stopped by Ambition calling to him.) 

Ambition —Wait, Popularity. You are passing us by 
as if we were strangers. 

Popularity —Beg pardon, but I haven’t got time to 
stop. I have just been informed that a citizens’ committee 
will call at my office in a few minutes to request permis¬ 
sion to place my name on their ticket as a candidate for 
city alderman from the fourth ward. This will be a grand 
opportunity to get my name before the people and gain 
publicity. It pays. See you later.. (Turns to depart) 

Ambition —Wait. Success will be here in a moment. 
Don’t you wish to meet her? 

Popularity —Some other time perhaps—after the 
election I will have more time. I am very sorry, but I can¬ 
not remain a minute. After the election I will meet Suc¬ 
cess. (Departs.) 

(Enter Procrastination from left, ivhistling and pro¬ 
ceeds to pack up his typewriter and table during the fol¬ 
lowing lines.) 

Experience —Have you given up ? 

Procrastination —I have given up this. Another 
opportunity has knocked at my door, and I am going to 
grasp it. 

Experience —/ am interested. Tell us about it. 

Procrastination —Well, I suppose you noticed the 
last Style girl, the one I left with. She is a former sweet¬ 
heart of mine. We had a little misunderstanding, but now 
we have kissed and made up. 

Experience —And the opportunity? 

Procrastination —I am coming to that. Listen, that 
girl is worth one hundred thousand in her own name. Do 
you get,me—one hundred thousand iron men. How is that 
for an opportunity? 


45 


Experience —The man who marries for money usual¬ 
ly earns it. 

Procrastination — (Exasperated) There you go 
again and spoil everything. I might have known you’d 
pull something like that. (Goes to left exit.) 

Ambition —But Success will be here in a moment. 
Don’t you wish to meet her? 

Procrastination —Naw. Do you know what she 
wanted me to do? Wanted me to increase my size and 
be a big nut. I won’t be a nut for anybody. (Exit left.) 

(Enter Success from right.) 

Success— Hello, Experience. How are you, Ambition. 
(Giving each her hand.) 

Experience —Hello, Success. 

Ambition —I am glad to see you again, Success. 

Success — (Turning to Everyone) How is my friend 
Everyone ? 

Everyone —I am delighted to hear that I am your 
friend. 

Success —Why not? How is the work progressing? 

Everyone —Not so good, and not so bad. I have been 
delayed a little. 

Success—I am sorry. 

Everyone —But I am still going strong. I haven’t 

quit. 

Success —That pleases me very much. If you have not 
lost courage after delays and discouragements, then you are 
making good. And if you are making good, then Success 
shall be yours. (Gives him her hand.) I am glad to be 
your friend. 

Everyone—T hank you. 

Experience —Allow me to congratulate you, Everyone. 
You have done well. The play is now ended. You will go 
out into the world and reenact the scenes of tonight. You 
will have your failures, but you will rise again, and will 
finally win Success, knowing that it can be done. 

(CURTAIN.) 


46 








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